i don’t belong here


I am a fish out of water. I don’t belong here. I look weird in a dress. And weird in makeup. In fact, my daughter told me I looked like Kimmie from Full House and my son told me I looked like DJ from Full House. The one when she put on a bunch of horrible make up that made her look like a clown but really more like a hooker…bright blue eye shadow, eye liner like a racoon. Not good.

I want to walk in the woods, crawl around on the moist earth and smell the dirt and the decaying leaves.

But here I am listening to a mother talk about how her daughter hasn’t quite found her thing yet. Next, she will try synchronize swimming, maybe she will like that. I wonder if she will have to wear nose plugs.

I hope the little girl just does what she wants. And grows up knowing it is okay to do what you love even if you suck at it.

Or if all you want to do is sit on your couch and be cozy and make things without being a winner of a dance competition…that’s okay too.

But I don’t blame this mom because I do it too. Should my kids have more play dates? Is it okay that they prefer to come home after school over going to someone’s house? Are we at the right school? Should I encourage them to do more or maybe less? Do they watch too much Full House? I think I know the answer to that one.

I want to play and snuggle and laugh and write and drink coffee and good wine. A beach, a bonfire, mountains. No schedule, no plan, running with the wind. Freedom.

When I hear about how your daughter is so smart that you had to change schools, I find myself yearning to ask about your heart and what makes you sad and angry and how you want to be in the world.

And here I am now drinking my coffee with the sun bursting through the windows.

I belong here. And really I know there is no such thing as a fish out of water because I belong everywhere. All of us. We belong.

Whether we have a thing or not.


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