this is how it happens
Photo by Tim Gouw on UnsplashWe can practice love as a deliberate strategy to dealing with the pain of loss. It requires practice to respond to anguish with love, but it works. Each time a wave of grief threatens to tear you apart, ask yourself, "What does love ask of me now?" - from The Four Things That Matter Most by Ira Brock, M.D.
I used to never consider traveling back to the same place unless of course it was to see family and friends. I thought, why spend the money on somewhere I have already been? But now, if I feel a connection to a place, I want to go back and experience it again and again. Maybe it has to do with being parent-less and getting ready to put my home away from home, the house my mom lived in since I was a junior in high school with all of our family portraits on the walls, memories, and reliable snacks in the cabinet, on the market. I want centering, grounding, comfort. I want to experience that some things never change.
I just finished reading, The Four Things That Matter Most by Ira Brock, M.D. According to Brock, they are: Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you.
Today when my daughter was standing contemplatively at the sliding glass door in a sparkly princess dress too big for her and holding a stuffed Minnie Mouse, I could hear my mom sigh, "What a great picture."
When I heard a bird singing but couldn't identify what kind it was, I had to stop myself from picking up my phone and imitating the bird for her on her voice mail. She would get home from playing bridge, listen to it and laugh, call me back and say, "That's very good, Linds." I would then tell her that Will had been home from school the last two days to which she would respond, "Poor Will". She would tell me she didn't have a lot planned for the weekend and we would talk about her upcoming visit to Florida. I'd hang up but first, I would say, "I love you." Even though, she would comment on occasion that she didn't grow up saying this, and didn't always find it necessary, I did it anyway and she did too. And I think she liked it, even though maybe it was awkward at first.
Yesterday, when I had lunch with a friend, a friend I adore and don't see all that often, mostly because we are at different stages in life, but also because I don't see anyone that often other than my kids and husband, she asked me with so much heart how I was doing.
That question again. A sigh, this time from me. I appreciate it. And if it doesn't come, I am miffed, but when it does, I feel my answer is never quite complete, inadequate. Honest but not sufficient.
It feels as if I am dancing around the edges, as if my feelings are the lacy or sparkly border of a Valentine's day card made out of pink construction paper. Getting to the center is where the meat is, the real message.
In so many ways, I am o.k. I feel at peace, mostly. And partially I feel this way, I think, because of all the I love you's and thank you's I said to my mom over the years.
Recently, during a meditation, I saw my mom's death from a distance. And thought to myself, wow, it really was beautiful and surrounded by swaths of light and love. In fact, it was light and love. I also heard this message, this is how it happens.
With my son home sick from school, I looked at our fruit bowl and saw so many browning bananas. Like the little spots of discoloration popping up on my own skin. I thought of an easy recipe for banana bread, one that I had found on line last Spring when I was home visiting my mom. She loved it. And then another time when I was back, I asked her what she wanted for breakfast - meals being one of her few sources of pleasure and variety in her day - to which she replied, sweetly and enthusiastically, "I think I'll have some of your banana bread." I told her regrettably that I didn't have any but that I would make some for her again. Anything to perk her up and see sunshine on her face.
So much has changed, so much so that it feels as if giant boulders have been shifting around inside of me trying to settle into their new places. I am letting the experience change me. I wouldn't want to be the same person I was before. The experience of losing my mom has taught me to be more loving, more understanding, just plain...more.
And that it is never inappropriate, mushy, overly sentimental or too much to say in any way we are able to, I forgive you. Please forgive me. Thank you and I love you.