This is grief and this helps
“ I never had control, I just had anxiety.” - Elizabeth Gilbert
The other day I reached out to friends in a private facebook group. I told them this: I feel sad, unmotivated, tired, blah. I was struggling. Their responses ranged from, “Me Too”, to my friend, Wendy who wrote, “Lindsay, I hope you give yourself permission to wallow in your sadness and less-than-inspired-ness. There’s a lot of pressure to use this time well. No pressure.” Her words fell on me like rain drops, it was exactly what I needed.
There are so many losses. The hardest, most painful of losses to losses of freedoms and dreams. We are in shock. And we are grieving.
This past week, the first official week of on-line school was exhausting. The teachers are doing a tremendous job and I am deeply thankful for how hard they are working to bring learning, structure, and a bit of stability into our home right now. It is certainly better for them to be occupied with school work than playing video games 24/7.
But both my 13-year-old and 10-year-old said they found the on-line learning draining. It takes a different kind of focus. My daughter was in tears as she struggled to keep up. They are adjusting.
When I lost my temper and yelled, my younger one looked at me with disbelief and said, “Jesus, Mommy.” Oops. Sorry! I’m trying!
This business of permission feels important to me right now. Permission to feel whatever we are feeling without apologizing, adding guilt on top of it or making excuses for it. Our worlds have been turned upside down. We may need to walk away from texting or answering the phone to preserve our energy. Sometimes doing the minimal amount is all we can do. But I do think one thing we could all do more of right now, is cut ourselves, and others some slack.
The simple act of writing lists is hugely calming to a ruminating and anxious mind. It grounds us and helps us to focus on something in our control, namely, the only thing we can ever really control which is our response to a situation. A list about what action steps would be needed if someone in the family got sick or a list about what an ideal day or vacation would look like. This morning I started a list of my favorite words.
This list below came to me as I began grappling with my honest feelings of fear and despair. I realized that so much of what I was feeling was reminiscent to how I felt after my parents deaths.
Why this time feels like grief:
the world is smaller, we don’t go out as much or see as many people.
and at the same time we hear from or reach out to people we love but who we haven’t touched base with in awhile to make sure they are o.k.
brings out the best and worst in people.
amplifies what is working and what isn’t in our lives.
I want to eat. Everything.
and drink wine while sitting on my couch watching T.V.
my feelings can change from minute to minute. One minute, I am crying, the next laughing. One minute I am angry, the next, touched beyond belief at the kindness of strangers.
it’s all consuming. This is what we talk about. It’s everything right now.
we discuss our feelings more than we do when things are status quo. And no one tries to talk us out of how we are feeling (hopefully) because they are in the same boat.
waking up, I need to remind myself what day it is, where I am, what is happening, There is constant need for recalibration.
things that don’t need immediate attention get put on the back burner. All that matters is our well-being, health, sanity and safety.
life feels real, raw, honest, authentic, sacred.
reminds me how interconnected we all are. What I do is not just impacting me or my family but other members in my community and their families and so on and so forth.
how we love and show up for one another is what keeps us going.
that I don’t want to “do” much. Getting showered, doing laundry, making sure we are fed, is often times, enough.
that I don’t want things to return to “normal”. I want us to be changed for the better because of the enormity of this crisis.
how time seems to move quickly and slowly simultaneously.
feeling exhausted.
a deep appreciation and revery of the fragility, preciousness, and finite nature of life.
not taking sunsets, health, birds chirping, babies smiling, flowers, the freedom of riding a bike or going to the beach, Target, anything really, for granted.
bargaining, my brain goes to the I will give this up, if you make this go away place a lot.
feeling incredible waves of gratitude.
What to do about it: (As if there is anything to do about it but these things do help ease the suffering).
taking a moment to appreciate how adaptable, resilient, creative, and innovative we humans are.
having hope. As Nanny says, “When you have hope, you have everything.”
knowing that there is a beginning, middle, and end to this pandemic.
believing in post traumatic growth and that we will be more compassionate, empathetic, and all around better human beings because of it.
paying attention to what we have instead of what we don’t have. We still have so much.
staying present, the future is unknown and uncertain. And it always is whether we are in the middle of a global crisis or not. So…
taking it one day, one moment, one task, one breath at a time.
stay close to what nourishes us, doing what feels good, what gives our nervous system a little break.
watching something funny.
turning off the news.
not doing anything.
feeling our feelings.
writing, painting, baking, reading, meditating, PRAYING.
keep connecting with people we love and are on the same page with.
art is good medicine. Doing it and watching it.
We must process our own feelings so we can be open and helpful to what others are going through. We heal and help others heal at the same time. We will get through this. Because that is what we do. In the meantime, there is a monarch butterfly in my backyard. It is Spring. Next week is Passover and Easter. We will be having our first virtual seder. We will make the best of it.
You are loved, you are not alone, you are not losing your mind, you are doing your best. And I’m here with you, hitting publish on this post knowing that we are all inundated with lots to read right now and hoping I’m not annoying you, along with a prayer of love, health, and safety for you and your family. I love you.
And, we are one.
Helpful resources: That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief”, an article written by Scott Berinato. https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief
https://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_it_s_ok_to_feel_overwhelmed_here_s_what_to_do_next#t-3595209