staying awake

“Realize that you can be open to an unthought - of possibility: something unexpected and good may come; there might be light in the midst of that darkness. And just for a moment, we may discover that pain is not the deepest thing in us. Love is. Real love, we discover, is not a romantic yearning, but that fizz, that willingness to see how things turn out, that flash of luminous energy that lights us up from the inside.” – Tracy Cochran from the book, Presence; The Art of Being at Home in Yourself.

Walking around by myself in Kennebunkport, ME, I was struck by the sweetest little voice. I was in a children’s store, every nook and cranny filled with adorable clothes, books, and toys. I picked up a few things for my girls to send to camp and a bathing suit and heart shaped sunglasses for my great niece who I will be meeting in a few short days!

I was overcome with emotion when I heard the little boy dressed in a crisp collared shirt, hand in hand with his mom, exclaim, “Wow, this is the kids section.” “I like this section.” His mom then said, “I’m looking for a sweatshirt for you.” To which he replied earnestly, “I’m looking for a toy.” The mom replied like I have a million times to my kids, “You already have a lot of toys.” Then the little boy said matter of factly, “Hm, not that many.”

I then came across the construction section in the store. Baseball caps with embroidered trucks shared space on the display table with books like Good Night Construction Site. My eyes welled up thinking that this would have been my son’s favorite section when he was a little boy. For a long while, he loved nothing more than reading and discussing combine harvesters, front end loaders, and diggers – words I never knew before I became a mom. I thought of him home working this summer and not here with me on vacation. It made me ache for the summer days of sun kissed cheeks and early dinners out that were simultaneously exhausting, messy, and joyful.

While my eight-year-old daughter is at sleep away camp for the first time with her older sister, I’m taking some time to finish my book, and visit with friends and family in the northeast. It’s freeing, exciting, and also a little bit strange. But watching our kids grow up is strange. Most transitions are. It’s also an incredible blessing to be able to witness their growing and changing. I don’t take it for granted for a second. And it’s bittersweet and hard not to miss their little voices, soft, sticky hands, and funny comments.

But, later this summer, God willing, we will get some time away together as a family which most likely will be tied to a college visit or two. In the meantime, I’m going with the flow, staying awake to all the beauty around me, and all the beauty yet to come.