tending and befriending

“The meaning of life is each other.” (from the non-profit group, You’re Going to Die).

We had a tropical storm here last week, another notch in the belt of crazy stress inducing events that have been swirling around us this year. We didn’t lose power, the rain was consistent but didn’t cause any major flooding in our neck of the woods. I let my girls draw tattoos all over my legs as the rain pelted the windows because I am a tactile individual and like to be touched. It settles and grounds my often over-active nervous system. And getting anyone to scratch my back or give me a little massage is harder than getting them to clean their rooms so I encourage them to grab their markers and go nuts.

When we woke up the next day, the sun was desperate to lift up the clouds like sheets over a sleepy face and jump out of bed. There was a rather large branch that had fallen on our grass and lots of debris. When I took my dog for a walk and saw many of my neighbors in their yards raking and picking up sticks and branches, I spoke to each one. Nothing unusual or lengthy. mostly the usual pleasantries, mostly mutual agreement about how thankful we were that the storm spared us.

It left me with a cozy feeling. Like I belonged. Like I was home. I don’t know how most of these neighbors voted in the election or how they have been personally affected by Covid but we all smiled at each other that morning. It was a joyful respite from the darkness of the day before and the anxiety of the prior week. It felt like an apt metaphor too - we were all cleaning up, picking up the pieces after the storm, collectively working on the shared desire to have a beautiful and clean space to call home.

It also made me think about something I learned about recently regarding our reactions to stress. We have heard before that it isn’t the actual stressor but how we relate to the stressor that makes or breaks our souls and sanity. We have heard about our body’s physiological responses to stressors usually in the terms of fight, flight, or freeze. Our body produces hormones that either cause us to go into shock enabling us to survive even if we are in tremendous pain or we may produce a surge of adrenaline giving us the energy and stamina needed to flee. It depends on the situation and how we are wired.

But there is another reaction that happens widely with females in the animal kingdom and one that happens with women as well; the tendency to tend and befriend. When something traumatic happens, there is a tendency to hunker down and nurture our wounds. Think of the mama kissing the boo boo on a scraped up kneecap. Or how good it feels when a dear friend or family member cooks something warming and comforting for you.

I often get asked about what we do in my women’s circles or why I do them in the first place. Sometimes I stumble trying to find a succinct and easy answer. But really the answer could simply be this: to tend and befriend. When we come together with the shared intention of loving ourselves and each other, we heal our hearts and our wounds. We hold the space to hear what needs to be said. And we get a boost in every possible way from our immune response to how we feel the rest of the day.

I grew up hearing my mom talk about how her friends were her therapy and sounding like a valley girl who just gotten home from the mall, I’d be like, “Mom, ugh it is not the same thing.” And while it isn’t exactly the same thing, she was on to something. Because research is constantly backing up what we know to be true in our heart of hearts; our relationships matter. More than anything else. We are relational beings.

So let’s keep tending and befriending. Showing up for each other. Checking in with one another. And even when we can’t spend time together physically, we can keep being here for each other emotionally. Unity over division. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. And Love. Happy Thanksgiving friends and family, I am grateful for you dear reader, for sharing this time together as weird as it may be, it makes me feel less alone and that is everything. Wishing you health, peace, safety, prosperity, freedom, and hope during this holiday season. We will keep getting through this one tender moment at a time.