what we don't talk about when we talk about becoming a mom

“We are a social species; we are meant to be in community - emotionally, socially, and physically interconnected with others. If you look at the fundamental organization and functioning of the human body, including the brain, you will see that so much of it is intended to help us create, maintain, and manage social interaction. We are relational creatures.”

“Love, and loving caregiving is the foundation of our development. “ - from What Happened to you? by Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. and Oprah Winfrey

When my brother was visiting, we spent our first morning together dropping off kids at school and taking a drive around town. My youngest couldn’t wait to show him, “our town”. She had forgotten that he had spent a lot of time here in the past but due to Covid, hadn’t been here in well over a year.

We wound up driving down a pretty, tree-lined, dead-end street while spotting a woman walking briskly as she cradled something in her arms. We thought it was a puppy at first but then saw the little nubby toes of a newborn peeking out through her cradled elbows.

We put the windows down to tell her how adorable her little one was. The red-faced peanut, only a couple of weeks old, was starting to fall asleep. Her mom told us that that she had given her a run for her money that morning and walking was the only thing that soothed her.

She said she was exhausted and didn’t know what to do when she wouldn’t stop crying so they walked. She had to get out of the house and get some fresh air. The walls were closing in on her. 

Boy, did I understand. I wanted to tell her to go nap and that I would walk with her baby. But that would be creepy because she didn’t know me. 

So instead my brother and I told her we understood. We listened and nodded in agreement. 

Those first few months of becoming a mom are absolutely insane and intense and often times, heavenly, sweet, and even blissful. But they are terrifying! And exhausting. And when the crying is incessant, it breaks your heart and also makes you want to run away to a deserted island, spa, or bar.

You are becoming a mom and that doesn’t happen over night. It’s a process.

And when you are already sleep deprived, it feels like a brutal assault on your delicate and overwhelmed nervous system. And if you are recovering from childbirth is it hard to even find the time and space needed to take care of your physical body. You are stepping into a completely unfamiliar and daunting role, you are unfurling and becoming something new.

And then there is social media. Pictures of celebrity moms or worse, moms you know, looking gorgeous and fit two minutes after giving birth, glowing and radiating lactating loveliness with thick locks of cascading hair, going on about how glorious it is as you sit on the couch in a stained nursing bra and tear-stained face watching something stupid on T.V. 

It can be isolating and lonely. If you are home alone either on maternity leave or adjusting to how things are going to be from now on – you home taking care of your child or children - and your partner at work while you really can’t go too many places, - it can feel stifling. I would be jealous when I’d call my husband at work and he couldn’t get to the phone because he had just been in the bathroom. I’d be like, “wait, alone?”  

We aren’t meant to do it alone. Maybe going to the bathroom is the exception. But raising babies and children and our own selves - it’s meant to be done together. With support, help, encouragement, laughter, drinks maybe. We are growing up too and we need to remind ourselves and each other what a fabulous job we’re doing!

Honesty is balm to the soul. We can rely on one another, scream, “help”, cry on shoulders, take naps, and take breaks and raise a beer as it is good for lactation. 

But this beautiful mom was worried about sounding crazy. There is no shame in telling your story.

And in reality, I want to thank her. She didn’t sound crazy, she sounded real and I love her for it. What a gift she gave us by trusting us and giving us permission to be real too. 

Whether you are feeling sad and nostalgic because your youngest is graduating and it is the end of an era at a school you have been at for close to a dozen years or you are watching a beloved parent go through something hard, you are still emerging, evolving and becoming something new.

And it is soul enriching to all those around you to tell it like it is. 

We are interconnected. 

And also, it gets better. That crazy stage is short lived. I mean there will be other crazy stages but you are ready. 

And you are doing a fabulous job! I am sending you so much love as you read this! Enjoy your summer and all of you deserve a nap!