the accidental (or reluctant) activist

Um hi. I haven’t been here in a long time. Some really nice family members have asked if I’ve been writing my blog, including most recently, my sweet sister-in-law, so Dawnie, this one’s for you! 

My words are going to fall short here and I apologize. But I don’t know where to begin. There is a cascade of intense, sad, scary, infuriating stuff happening. You don’t need me to tell you this. 

There is also a fantastic new interactive art installation called the Fairgrounds St. Pete that is a magical, whimsical escape to another world. 

We also went to a wedding last weekend where the bride and groom made me fall in love with love all over again. I adored their friends and family and the support and love around them was palpable. The weekend was life affirming and hopeful. 

And Fall is coming! 

I asked a friend how he was doing in LA recently. And his response was perfect, “Well….is the current plague.” 

You can fill in the blank. Because there is always something. Remember how everyone was happy to kiss 2020 goodbye? And say goodbye to August because September is now here! P U M P K I N SPICE! 

Well it’s still hard and no date, year, month, job, relationship, diet, latte or new exercise regimen is going to hold all of the mystical magical answers to what ails you. I know you know this. I do too but I need a reminder. Some things are harder than others to grasp. Sometimes we can never grasp, we just keep showing up and going anyway. 

Author, Mark Nepo, writes,“Through a life of asking for what we need and accepting what we’re given, we feed the fire of our soul, which glows it’s brightest the moment our aliveness is ignited.” 

And still I’m wondering, how much do I say? How do I stay kind and at the same time speak up when feeling angry, misunderstood or simply have a very different perspective? How do I say what I need without hurting other’s feelings? 

I want people to like me. More importantly, I want to like myself. 

I don’t want to get into it. But we are in it. 

Since my thoughts are jumbled, my heart achy, and my words stuck somewhere between my brain and fingertips, I’ll share something I read yesterday from Rabbi Shapiro that helped me. 

Someone had asked him what to do now that they are emerging from their veritable cave of quiet, peace, meditation, and breath out into the world and they are in disbelief at all of the chaos of humanity. They are angry because surprise surprise some people are acting like total a-holes! Shocking.

Rabbi Shapiro’s response? Through the retelling of a parable, he wrote, “I suggest you go back into your monastery until compassion overcomes contempt and you can return to the world as a vehicle for love.” 

Hmm…uh huh. 

What’s the best next step? What’s helpful? Sometimes it’s action. Write, call, serve, cook, move, call, pray. And sometimes, a lot of times, it’s rest. 

Now some of you are going to say rest, relaxation, taking a break is a luxury. To be able to rest…must be nice. It is nice and it is necessary. Sometimes it is easier to rest than others. But we need it. We all need it. Every day. We all deserve to take a break.

It’s a lot right now. 

Im still wondering. Can I disagree with someone and still love them unconditionally? Can I be angry and still soften, keeping my heart open and malleable? Can I listen instead of getting so carried away that my heart is beating out of my chest and I can’t respond intelligently? Can I emotionally distance from certain people and things that forsake my mental health in order to respect my own boundaries, safety, and soul? But still wish them well, still want the best for them? 

I want to stand up for what I believe in. I also want to stay open.  

In order to do this, I need to take breaks. I’m resting more. I need space. I can’t always be on my phone, on social media or respond to every text, email or phone call in a timely manner. I want to stare at my daughter’s eyes more behind her glasses and watch how they crinkle when she smiles. 

We have to reexamine our values. Our priorities. And although I’d rather remain quiet a lot of the time and keep the peace, sometimes I must speak up in honor of doing what I believe is right. We may think different things are right. That is the challenge. 

But if you need a break or to lay down and rest, will you join me in trying not to feel guilty about it? Promise me? We need you to rest so you are more in touch with your heart, more likely to respond with love and less likely to react in fear. 

It helps to know we are not alone. I am with you! Let’s not give up, let’s keep trying. But when you need a break, please take one. Take lots of them! And when you want dessert, please eat it savoring every bite of rich deliciousness. Give the middle finger to guilt. This is not giving up, this is caring for yourself in the same way you care for others; deeply, truly, and unconditionally all the while saying what you need and accepting what you are given.