choice

I’ve learned something about shame and secrecy in my 45 years as a human. It makes everything worse. When I was little, I used to feel shame about having glasses (so I didn't wear them which didn’t help with racket sports). I used to feel shame about turning red and being on medication to help with anxiety. I used to feel shame about the crazy thoughts swirling in my noggin convinced everyone else knew what I was thinking. I used to feel shame about how numbers felt like a foreign language completely inaccessible to my brain and how I held a pencil incorrectly which for some reason made my Dad crazy. I felt shame about my propensity for being highly sensitive and seeing things differently from others (now I get that this is a true gift). I have felt shame about crying too much, having a big appetite, and gaining weight. I have felt shame about feeling profound sadness when I have so much. 

And I have felt shame about having an abortion. 

It’s never something I thought I would share publicly. That I would HAVE to share publicly. And certainly not in a blog post. Maybe in my book. Too big. Too personal. Too difficult. Too political. Too many judgments. 

But here I am. Given the current political climate, I feel the need to say: I do not regret this choice. And I don’t feel shame (anymore) about an impossible decision I made when I was a minor. 

I feel sad about it. Still. Of course I do. It was traumatizing and happened at a very difficult time in my life. I’m also angry that we as women are still having to fight for the right for autonomy over our very own bodies. I’m sad for the women before us who literally lost their lives to back alley abortions. I just read a story about a mother who died on the kitchen table as her husband performed one. He wasn’t a doctor.

The trauma for many of us has been resurfacing this week and I’m choosing not to suffer alone. 

Especially because we CAN’T get pregnant on our own! 

I have done a lot of hard healing work and self-reflection on this matter. I love myself into being every single day. And I try to exercise compassion and forgiveness for myself as well as for people that think differently than me. But let me be honest, it’s very hard when the scrutiny and judgment is coming from other women. Consider yourself extremely lucky if you have never been in the position to have to make this decision. 

I’m sorry for the women feeling the weight of this past week. You are not alone. Whatever your situation, whatever your stance. This has been an emotional rollercoaster of a week. It’s been exhausting.

As I listened to the women in my circle yesterday morning, I was moved to tears by how difficult it is to be a mother. And how difficult it is not to be. 

What is happening right now in our country is devastating. The battering of legislation limiting rights for trans kids, gay people, minorities, women. BOOKS!

I have also learned something about gaslighting over the years. The, “Yes, you are entitled to your opinion but you are wrong,” business. Or “YOU are acting crazy.” Or the more subtle sort of eye-rolling when I get going on something I feel is important.

This may not be a ban on abortion. Yet. But, most likely there will be a total ban on abortion in a number of states if the Supreme Court overturns Roe V. Wade and leaves the decision up to individual states to decide. There is nothing United about this. And how are we still here having this same conversation?

Roxane Gay wrote a powerful opinion piece in The New York Times called, It’s Time To Rage. She writes about the dismantling of rights which is sure to follow and how, “We should not live in a country where bodily autonomy can be granted or taken away by nine political appointees, most of whom are men and cannot become pregnant. “Any Civil right contingent upon political whims is not actually a civil right.” She goes on, “To protect women’s bodily autonomy, the right to abortion must be codified in federal law. “ 

I don’t want to debate this. I don’t want to have to prove my opinion to anyone. I’m not thrilled that I have to share this personal and very difficult story in the first place but this moment feels bigger than me. 

Yes, I had an abortion. And it was awful and lonely. I still believe it was the right decision. And I am grateful I had the choice. I will not be okay with my daughters having less rights than I had. 

Recently, a journal chose another piece I wrote about my abortion to be published at a later date. I was sad and a little shocked that this week they sent me an email asking me if I wanted to publish my piece under a pen name and if I am comfortable including a photo.

I doubt my story will change many minds. But I hope it will shine a little light and bring about more compassion in regards to the very dangerous and scary situation we are in.

Many women have had abortions. And many will continue to do so and for a whole variety of reasons. There are a LOT of gray areas in this arena and for this reason alone, safe, legal abortion must be protected by federal law. 

Repeatedly, studies indicate that the way to limit abortion is education, health care, and affordable child-care. Punishing, shaming, limiting access, and criminalizing women, many of whom are already in vulnerable, precarious positions to begin with, is certainly not the answer. 

And the way to erase shame is to share our stories. Women, I’m here and I’m with you and we have nothing to be ashamed of.