moving along
“Beneath the many choices we have to make, love, like water, flows back into the world through us. It is the one great secret available to all. Yes somewhere the misperception has been enshrined that to withhold love will stop hurt. In truth, it is the other way around. As water soaks scars, love soothes our wounds.” - Mark Nepo from The Book of Awakening.
Here’s what I’m thinking of on this lovely Spring morning with birds chirping and a surprising and delightful chill in the air.
For starters, I’m wearing a pink pashmina of my mom’s over a colorful striped dress with pockets. I love pockets. The pashmina, I took from my mom’s closet a few weeks before she died. As my friend, Sally, the kids and me were getting ready to head to the airport, I asked my mom if I could borrow it. She smiled her very Susie Q of a smile and said “yes, of course.”
It smelled like Chanel and Oil of Olay.
It feels good to have her close to me. It also feels good to wear color.
My mom would be turning 81 on Monday. I’ll celebrate by doing things she loved. Like eating a croissant sandwich, a walk in sunshine, maybe a drink in the evening with some jazz in the background. If I was really daring, I’d wear red lipstick.
Writing has been a bit of a struggle for me recently. Every time I sit down to write, I stop. Nothing seems to adequately touch on the pain and extremes of what the world is experiencing right now. I am not sure what I have to offer is what the world needs.
But maybe that is not my role to decide.
The earth feels like a giant snow globe that has been picked up and shaken. We are still floating, trying to get our feet back on the ground, in the midst of all this mess and magic.
For too long I didn’t share my words in fear of what others might think: Who does she think she is? What is she talking about? Enough already. It’s all been said before. We need to hear from someone else.
I still hear these voices but now I write and share anyway. Because I won’t abandon my soul.
We need to share ourselves, express authentically, and to listen to others. Deeply. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.
One day last week when writing felt as inaccessible to me as Alaska, I read instead. Mark Nepo’s words written above soothed and sealed something that was leaking in me. What I felt when reading his piece on not shutting down was this: Love is all there is.
I had found out recently that a dear friend of mine is moving. My stomach and heart dropped when she told me. Later, as I was talking to my husband, I said, “I’m done.
People I have loved have moved before. And it’s hard and it hurts. I want to scream No!!! Don't go. Don’t abandon me! Don’t forget about me. I need you. I love you. I thought, shit this is what happens when you are so open and bare your soul, you get hurt.
Part of me wanted to protect my heart, build a wall, shut down, place my hand out in front of me signaling Stop! No longer open for business!
If I don’t love then I can’t lose, right?
But we know these protective measures, these misaligned coping mechanisms don’t work. Because they keep the good stuff out too. And we are in desperate need of all the good stuff we can get.
The only acceptable choice really is to throw more love onto the situation at hand.
We can pause, take a break, lick our wounds, and read more Ann Lamott because her words are medicine. But, eventually, we must keep going.
First, however, we listen, honor, create room and space for our hurt. And then we go. These two things aren’t mutually exclusive either.
I used to think it was one or the other. In order to keep going, it meant ignore your feelings, feel optimistic, sunny, good vibes only. I would think, Stop whining, don’t complain, people have it much worse.
Staying open, gentle, and loving with ourselves and others in the midst of chaos is the way forward. Hatred, more violence, more walls built just keeps the opportunities of understanding and improvement out of reach.
It also helps to know that no matter where they are or where we are, our loved ones are always close by.