Self Doubt
Painting by Stephanie Ong
“The goal of art isn’t to attain perfection. The goal is to share who we are. And how we see the world.” - Rick Rubin from The Creative Act; A Way of Being
Hey Self-Doubt,
What’s up? Thanks for coming by. I don’t love unexpected visitors but that seems to be how you operate so that’s cool, I get it, here we are. Welcome. Let’s make the best of our time together.
I’m not even going to make an excuse and pretend I’m not here to answer the door like we used to do when I was little in Chatham and people would ring our doorbell to give us pamphlets about their religion and my mom, siblings, and I would hide behind the couch.
Nope, I’m here, you can come in, even if my hands shake and my voice wobbles.
So…here’s the thing, thanks for trying to protect me, I know you don’t want me to make an arse out of myself. I’m pretty good at that, right? Haha!
But you should know, whatever it is my heart is calling me to do, I’m gonna do it. You can come along for the ride, but you don’t get center stage. Got it?
What is center stage, you ask? Self-love, compassion, acceptance, surrender, intention, and showing up in the spirit of service, connection, and kindness.
As a sensitive person, I do appreciate your warnings, I’m not so adept at letting things roll off my shoulders and I get my feelings hurt from time to time. People can be judgmental and mean but that’s their stuff, not mine. I’m ready to let that shiznit go.
What I’ve come to learn through our journeying together, Self-Doubt is this: I don’t really care too much what random folks have to say. The ones that love me for being me, I care about them, I want to pay attention to them.
Also, I don’t feel worse after doing something a little scary. I feel great. Even when it shakes me up and activates my nervous system. That’s excitement! Even if I fail miserably, I’m proud of myself for being brave. Or for making the soup even though I’m not a “good cook.” Truth be told, the pumpkin bread I just pulled out of the oven made with almond pulp turned into almond flour, tastes like depressed cardboard, so I tossed the heck out of that. But, at least I tried.
When I voiced my self-doubt yesterday to my friend, Stephanie, she said, “I think self-doubt is crucial to the process.” I think she’s right. So don’t worry, I’m not trying to get rid of you anymore. That’s fruitless!
What is life without courage and taking risks along the way? For sharing what’s in our individual hearts?
I need to express myself.
We all do.
Expression is life.
And we don’t live forever so what are we waiting for? To get better, smarter, another degree, more comfortable, beautiful, what? That isn’t going to happen, Self-Doubt, I’m ready now.
***Come see Stephanie Ong’s stunning art in the flesh and our collaboration, Conversations, featuring her art and my writing at her exhibit, Scaffolding, on February 3rd -5th. Check out stephanieongart.com for more information. Hope to see you there! ***