how we gather
Gatherings crackle and flourish when real thought goes into them, when (often invisible) structure is baked into them, and when a host has the curiosity, willingness, and generosity of spirit to try.” - Priya Parker from The Art of Gathering.
At my friend Sal’s on Thanksgiving, as her friends arrived, yummy bites like fried halloumi warmed in the oven, we discussed when to open boxes of crackers as I blurted out, “Hosting makes me anxious.” Kind of a weird thing to say to my dear friend as she stood there hosting but I’m weird. And as someone who has known me for 38 years, she is well aware of this indisputable fact.
I thought about something I experienced while studying Transpersonal Psychology in graduate school. Before my professors walked into a room for a discussion or a workshop, they were well prepared and not just mentally with the right materials and discussion points but energetically, emotionally, and spiritually. They cultivated positive energy by solidifying the intention and purpose ahead of our gatherings which in turn created a more meaningful experience for everyone. They each had their own way of setting the stage so to speak. Some would meditate, pray, write out their intentions, clear the space with sage, light candles or play music. And what I experienced was that level of intentionality was palpable. I’d walk into the room and feel good like I would be taken care of. It was all about creating the outward space so we students felt comfortable enough to go inward and find more space.
It’s something I think about a lot and still strive for today. Before I travel or facilitate a retreat, before a circle or a gathering, at the get go, I try to spend time with how I want it to feel, where I’d like the event to go. Of course we’re not ultimately in control of how something turns out but it’s helpful to identify the why of a gathering, the purpose. Is the holiday season about opening presents? Or is it about so much more? If so, what would make it feel that way? Games? A ritual? Volunteering together? It’s not about making things perfect, it’s about creating the opportunity for comfort and connection.
I was blown away at Thanksgiving while at Sally’s in London when we all came together in a circle and shared what we were thankful for. It turned a fun night into an incredibly thoughtful and memorable one. I’ve done this around the table before, somewhat awkwardly, but I was really moved on this particular occasion by the openness and depth in which everyone shared. Friends talked about health scares and job transitions while teenagers shared being grateful for their friends who got them through rough patches. Izzy said she was thankful for candy.
I think what made it feel different was that most people didn’t just say what they were grateful for but shared why they were grateful for that thing. Maybe it was because I didn’t know most of the people in the room or that I was surprised that this was happening in the UK on a holiday they don’t traditionally celebrate, but it was all incredibly moving. It has become a ritual for this group of friends and I was so inspired by it all.
As I was thinking about this experience this morning, my friend Kim, shared a post of Adam Grant’s that said, “The best cure for loneliness is not more frequent interaction. It’s more meaningful interaction. What matters most for well-being is the quality of connections, not the quantity.” This is good news considering how busy we humans are.
Another bit of good news is that our brains aren’t capable of being anxious and grateful at the same time. So when we’re in situations that make us anxious, like hosting for example, if we can remember to also identify what makes it sweet, what makes us feel happy and thankful, we will be supercharged by that gratitude. We’re then more motivated to find more things to be grateful for. Our anxiety diminishes as we notice how much is actually good and right at the moment. It helps us stay present. We can then emit more positivity and warmth while creating more joyful, healing, and carefree times together. And it’s good to remember that things may not go as planned, they may be even better.