hard and good

photo from unsplash by Holly Spangler

January 2, 2024. I love thinking about the energy I want to invite into this next chapter. More than goals, what am I feeling a pull to bring forth?

I intentionally slowed way down in December to make space to simply be, to soften, pay attention, and take deep, prayerful breaths. I tried some new things too. I took a drum lesson, participated in a virtual women’s circle, and learned how to bake sourdough bread with some lovely sassy lasses. It felt important to finish the year off with a dose of new, positive and hopeful energy.

As I sat at the drum set with headphones on, my teacher showed me how to read notes, and I could feel my brain working. I’ve never been great with being patient. I took piano and guitar lessons at different points in my childhood and easily gave up because it was hard for me. As a family member said to me recently about going back to work after having her first, adorable baby boy, “It will be hard and good.” It made me pause and think how so much of life could be summed up this way.

I also almost gave up on my sourdough starter a few different times as I learned how and when to feed her. I messed up the first few feedings but then one day, I came home to a bubbling, active starter sitting on my counter like a science experiment. It was a lesson on allowing myself to be a beginner, to suck, make mistakes, ask for help like I did from my bread coach, Stephanie, and my sister, and try, try again.

I shared a couple of sourdough loaves here and there – and while none were perfect, they were good enough. And one morning, I made scones, another day, gingerbread cookies! As I sat with my girls and one of their friends rolling out the dough, I laughed when my daughter said her gingerbread man was thick. “I like them real thick and juicy,” I sang much to her dismay. Those gingerbread cookies, especially the ones in bikinis, those with beards, and the sad faced ones were my favorite and yummy too.

I also took naps. I napped with the cat on the couch and with the dog on the bed. Instagram must have been watching because I kept seeing photos with captions about napping with your pets and how it’s good for your health.

I went to the Nutcracker with my daughters and cried as I thought about traditions. I’ve seen the Nutcracker with my mom and my mother-in-law a handful of times and hope and pray to be able to do this someday with my grandchildren. I mean in the future, not immediately…just wanted to clarify.

I love the ballet and the people that make a real night of it, decked out in sparkly green, holiday golds and red with bows, tights, and shiny shoes. I thought of my Aunt Joan who loved the ballet too and took me to see Swan Lake at Lincoln center when I was little. I also stayed at her apartment once in New Jersey and made a snowman on the lawn. These memories are so sweet and a reminder to me that it’s always the little things that stand out, that make a difference. The holidays have a way of making me miss my people that are no longer here while also making me feel like I could reach right over and squeeze their hand.

Returning from celebrating Christmas in New Jersey, with my family, where there were not one but many a Christmas miracle, including finding the sock that we thought my sister’s Bernese Mountain Dog ate, I’m feeling reflective and full of appreciation, cookies, and the impulse to clean, organize, and drink lots of water.

And as I sit and make my “more of/less of” wish list for 2024, it’s not lost on me how fortunate I am to be able to do this in the comfort of my own warm home, safe, and sound. I wish this for everyone everywhere.

I also wish for less division, hatred, anger, and suffering. I wish for more engaging, meaningful, and heartfelt women’s circles as well as time spent with family and friends laughing and having adventures. I wish to see the publication of the book I’ve been working on for years, and for more collective kindness, understanding, and peace.

As every year has its ups and downs, may we remember to give ourselves the compassion we all so desperately need and deserve especially when life feels hard. And may we meet newness with curiosity, patience and perseverance.

Here’s to more growing inward and onward in 2024 and beyond. Happy, warm, glowing, cozy, comforting, joyful, safe, healthy, prosperous, adventurous, fun, inspired, and peaceful new year wishes to you and yours, dear peeps!