excited and scared
Back in the spring of 2020 when the world had shut down, Sally told me to check out the Isolation Journals, an online platform for creativity and connection founded by the amazingly talented human and writer, Suleika Jaouad. I quickly consumed everything I could get my hands on by her which included a column she wrote for the New York Times called, Life Interrupted, after being diagnosed with Leukemia at age 22. A year later, I read her stunningly beautiful and heartbreaking book, Between Two Kingdoms in a few days because I couldn’t put it down.
This past February, I got a message from my amazing friend Liz who is the director of philanthropy with our local Hospice. After my mom died in 2017, I joined the Hospice Women of Philanthropy as a way to stay close to their mission - a mission that has spoken to me since I first became involved with the organization in college in Santa Barbara as a volunteer, then later as an employee here in Tampa, and lastly, as a family member helping take care of my mom in New Jersey. Hospice is about living comfortably, free from pain, and providing support for physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual suffering.
After Liz contacted me to tell me that Suleika was speaking at our next event, my heart did cartwheels in my chest. I called my brother and said maybe a little like Oprah announcing a guest, “Guess who’s coming to Tampa?” Then I texted Liz back to let her know I’d be happy to help in any way I could.
We began meeting over zoom with hard-working members to curate thoughtful questions that would be asked by a moderator at the event. It was a lot of work as we wanted the questions to resonate with the 250 women in the room that day and also that they were right for dear Suleika who we felt so fortunate and honored to be hosting.
A week after our first zoom meeting, I was in the car with Josh heading out for a drink when my phone rang. It was Liz. She said right off the bat, “We’ve been talking, and we would love if you would be the moderator.” My heart started beating faster (again) and the butterflies in my tum tum woke up. I was thrilled to be asked. And surprised. And terrified. Not sure I could actually do it because I would be too nervous or too red or both, I thanked her and told her I would let her know by Monday. I hung up and told Josh. And in his solid, mild-mannered, wise, and Buddha-like presence, he said, “I know you’re nervous but what else are you?” Excited. I was excited. I knew I couldn’t say no.
And I don’t want to say no because I’m scared. I want to do what gives me lift. What makes me soar even in the face of fear. There is no courage without fear, no bravery without butterflies.
I called Liz back the next day and told her I was honored and didn’t need to wait till Monday, I was in. Then, I called in the troops as I do when my nervous system gets revved up. I wrote myself positive notes, I chatted with supportive friends, and went to a hypnotist I trust who has helped me before. I prepared by watching interviews and reread parts of the book. I spoke out loud in my backyard and in the car to make sure my tone and pace were okay. And the day of the event, I said a prayer, and put a crystal heart in my bra for good luck.
I reminded myself to be in my body and not to leave it, to feel my feet on the floor, put my hands on my thighs, and to take deep breaths. I told myself that mistakes and self-doubt are part of the equation. I wanted to do justice to the incredible work of Suleika’s and this group of women who have helped so many people during such challenging and fragile circumstances.
When I met Suleika, I felt starstruck. We talked effortlessly and she was as real, gorgeous, and down to earth as she appears in interviews. It’s weird meeting someone you have admired and have been following online for years. When it was time to go on stage, we walked up and sat in our yellow chairs, chairs she recognized as being a tribute to her yellow van on the cover of her book. She made the conversation flow with ease because of her eloquence and warmth. Josh, one of about 5 men in the room, said he could have listened to her talk all day. I wanted to cry as she spoke about the friends she had loved and lost to cancer and a few times I had to dab the corner of my eyes. Thankfully, my friend Ronna - knowing my propensity for tears - had given me a vintage handkerchief to keep on hand. Then when I was in my car alone, I allowed the floodgates to open.
It was all profoundly moving and special. I was proud and so very grateful Suleika was here and able to make the trip, her first speaking engagement since the pandemic. The next time something scary and exciting arises, may we remember:
- We can absolutely do it.
- Support is everywhere, go where you feel it.
- There’s always a way through.
- Keep trying.
- You are LOVED!
- And we have so much LOVE to give.